Writing It Out

December 31st
9:08 PM

3 notes

2011 - A year to heal

It’s a year that I expected would be awful, especially after losing my mom in November of 2010 and not having a job. But a weird thing happened. 2011 became a year of healing. I did spend most of the first half of the year sitting on the couch depressed and watching every single episode of Criminal Minds made until that point, but I guess I needed to do that.

For a little more than a decade I have been struggling with depression. Whether complicated with family being ill and dying or having jobs where I was often treated as less than human (case in point: I actually had a boss who got mad at me for taking an on duty lunch break every night during my 9-12 hour graveyard shift. Apparently I was wasting his money taking a working lunch.) I have more than once contemplated driving my car into a tree at 65 miles per hour.

This year, however, I did not have a job and was able to take the time I needed to grieve and decide what to do next with my life.

I decided I wanted to write for television. It is not an new idea, I’ve written scripts off and on since middle school and have always preferred TV to movies. Plus I love writing dialogue and action, but not so much description: scripts require less description. I am excited at the prospect of pursuing this goal.

I also went back to school. When I first started college back in ‘92 I wanted to major in Mass Communications, but for reasons even I don’t remember it never happened. By this June I should have an AA in Mass Comm. (This means a lot more movie making and tech work than I am interested in, but oh well). I also discovered that I am a decent artist, especially with landscapes. That’s cool.

I feel a lot more optimistic for the upcoming year, than I did last year as I sat here on Tumblr trying to be ‘not miserable’. I am still concerned that I do not have a job, yet this is the first time I have attended college without working full time and I’ve really enjoyed the experience.

For the upcoming year there are a few things I’d like to accomplish.

Get my AA in Mass Comm

Write a lot more

Walk more (harder now that I do not have a class where I have to…so not an exerciser

Try for the Disney Fellowship for Writers

do ScriptFrenzy

Be a little better at housekeeping (don’t have to be spotless, just cleaner, less lazy)

Watch less TV

Crochet a granny square a day (Erica wants an aphgan)

Actually sell things from my Etsy Store (Never happened on the Artfire site)

And find a way to make a living

So there are some of my goals for the new year, there are probably more, I am always thinking up new things I want to try or do.

Have a happy new year to all my tumblr-mates!

January 1st
3:31 PM

Notes

Most years the only thing that changes with the new year is the date, but this new year feels different. Would you find it odd to hear that I feel that a huge, thick, weighted down blanket has been lifted off as 2010 passed into history. Maybe it is because the year was so tremedously bad. In fact the past four years have been awful. I feel like I have been in limbo; my life on hold.

During this past week I started feeling different, less worn down, more like I used to feel when I believed in myself and my future. I am ready for change and it has been a long time since I could say that. Inertia set in after my father’s death and I became terrified of anymore change. That would be why I spent so much time working for a company that treated like garbage: I was afraid to change anything else.

I don’t work that job anymore and there has been so much change in my life lately that it is foolish to fear it anymore.

Suddenly, I feel a profound sense of freedom and possibility. I think I would have felt some of this even if mom hadn’t died because my job was such a miserable and awful experience, but now she is gone as well and I cannot wallow in my grief any longer. I am free of responsibilities to anyone else.

Last night I welcomed in the new year and I was so excited. Much more excited than I have ever felt during any past new year. I am beginning to feel like I did back when I was writing for a zine every month, creating newsletters, writing regularly more often than I had before. I believed in my abilities. I have been going through the art pieces I made for my mom and dad in past years and I stare at them only half believing I made these items: my ego had fallen so far I forgot what wonders I was actually capable of creating.

I am getting that back. I can feel it again. It excites me so much. Hello New Year, I have been waiting for you.